


Nameless here for evermore

by swallowthewhale



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-13 01:09:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10503291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swallowthewhale/pseuds/swallowthewhale
Summary: Cisco will never eat strawberry jello again.





	1. hope is the thing with feathers

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Only Thing Left](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10505553) by [mosylu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosylu/pseuds/mosylu). 



Cisco never eats jello again. He starts crying at the sight of the strawberry, and throws up the first time he sees HR eating the lime, after. After Caitlin died.

He feels like he did when Dante died, except a million times worse because Caitlin’s not sleeping on his couch, forcing him to eat, watching sad movies with him so he has an excuse to cry. Not that he needs an excuse. He drags himself through his grief, or more accurately, grief drags him through life. He gets up, puts on a shirt without looking, goes to Star Labs, avoids talking to anyone, then goes home and alternates between not sleeping and sleeping for far too long.

Barry asks him if he’s okay every day until he snaps. “Remember how you felt when you saw Iris die? That’s how I feel,” he says. He’s still not sure Barry really understands.

The knot under his heart doesn’t lessen after a week, a month, a year. Doesn’t lessen when Cynthia comes back, doesn’t lessen when they finally put Killer Frost in a cell in the pipeline. Cisco doesn’t go see her. He goes home when Barry says on the coms that he’s bringing her in. He can’t bear to see her, Caitlin but not Caitlin. Someone she never wanted to be. Someone she begged them to prevent her from becoming in her last day. Cisco hates Julian for doing that to her. Hates Julian for giving him hope that somehow he can get Caitlin back.

Hope is sharp, ripping him to shreds. Sometimes he wishes for the finality of death, for Caitlin, for him. And he tries not to remember the anguish in her eyes when she’d confronted him for suggesting they kill him in Gorilla City. She’d told him that death was never the answer, she would know. But death feels like an answer now.

An answer to a question Cisco didn’t ask.


	2. that perches in the soul

Cisco wonders if Caitlin is still there, locked inside Killer Frost. He wonders what would happen if he could cut off her powers, like Caitlin had done before. He slips the speed force transmission device into his bag one day and doesn’t bring it back. Cisco is sure he’s the only who’s thought about using it since Zoom took Barry’s speed.

He Earth hops for a while, sightseeing and trying to convince himself that he’s not trying to find another Caitlin Snow. He’s not sure if he’s glad or disappointed that he doesn’t. None of them are her anyway. He ends up on Earth 2 after a while, shows up on Harry’s doorstep and appreciates the semblance of normalcy. Harry isn’t any nicer after Cisco tells him what happened to Caitlin. He puts him to work instead.

Harry eventually finds the transmission device in Cisco’s bag. He doesn’t ask what it’s for, or why Cisco has it. But the next day, the whiteboards in Harry’s workshop are filled with equations, and the device is disassembled on the table. Harry doesn’t even turn around when Cisco appears in the door, just starts throwing out theories, and Cisco is so grateful that Harry didn’t make him ask. Harry wants to save Caitlin too.

It takes them a month to reconstruct the device. Harry’s not convinced that it will work. The Speed Force is different from other metahuman abilities. But he hands the device to Cisco and tells him to come back if it doesn’t go as planned. Those are Harry’s words, more delicate than usual. Cisco is determined to keep trying until they either they get Caitlin back or… don’t.

Cisco goes to Earth 3, to find Jessie. He cries when he tells her, holds on tight when she hugs him, tells her, “Yes, you can help.”

He realizes that the knot in his chest isn’t a knot at all. It’s hope, perching on his soul, pecking at his heart. He goes home.


	3. and sings the tune without the words

It’s just how he vibed it. He remembers her hands, always cool, in his, and leans against a tree for support, weak-kneed. He can still feel her arms around him, sagging in relief as he lied to her. Grips the tree as if it’s her. As if wishing enough could make her come back.

Jessie’s already stuck the device to her, and is waiting nearby with the other half in a stolen Star Labs van. Cisco knows two things for sure. If things don’t work out, there’s no back up and he’ll likely die. And if the device works, but Killer Frost remains without powers, he has to kill her. Neither prospect is appealing, but Cisco has already decided he would much rather be killed than have to kill his best friend. Even if she’s not really Caitlin.

He’s shivering now, and he puts on his goggles, steps out from behind the tree, and fights for her life. He can see her weakening, stumbling, as ice drips off her fingers into puddles. He hopes that means it’s working. He softens his blasts, scrambling to keep her using her power without getting himself hurt. Then he trips over a branch, twists his ankle and falls, hard.

She looms over him, breathing frost. An icicle forms in a trembling hand. She sneers. “You really are pathetic.” But her voice wavers. She blinks and Cisco could swear that her eyes were brown again, just for a second.

“I’m sorry, Cait. We should have just let you go.”

She rests the tip of the icicle on his chest. “Bye-bye, Vibe.”

He closes his eyes. Hope is a bird with no wings.

There’s a spreading patch of chillingly cold… water on his chest. Something thumps to the ground beside him.

Cisco opens his eyes.


	4. and never stops at all

This time, Cisco sleeps on her couch. No one really died, but Caitlin’s still afraid that Killer Frost lurks under her skin even without powers, and Cisco’s more than a little worried that Caitlin’s going to die in the middle of the night.

There’s no good way to explain it. The metahuman gene is still there, and Caitlin is wearing the necklace again, just in case. But the vial of frost powers has been destroyed and Cisco’s fairly certain that there’s no way for her powers to come back. Well, maybe more like sixty percent sure. Fifty-one percent, at least. There’s still so much they don’t understand about metahuman abilities. Who can say for certain.

Caitlin’s hands shake sometimes, and Cisco holds them between his own to warm them up. He keeps his gaze on their hands, concentrating on warmth, memorizing the feel of her, so that she can’t see the terror that sometimes wells up in him. He wakes up in the mornings and the fear rips a hole in his stomach, worried that she’s gone again.

He wonders if this is what Caitlin felt like with Ronnie. He wonders if it will ever go away. He wonders if Caitlin has moved past Ronnie’s death. He can’t imagine ever being able to move past Caitlin’s.

Time crawls and speeds by. Suddenly it’s the day before Iris is supposed to die. Cisco doesn’t sleep that night, the vibes of Iris’ death merging with the memories of Caitlin flatlining, and every time he dozes off, he wakes up screaming. In the morning, with Caitlin’s hand warm in his, he feels whole. He feels like hope never stops. He feels like they can save the world.

No one can do this alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe and poetry from "Hope is the thing with feathers" by Emily Dickinson


End file.
